The headline says a lot, but not enough.
I first started to write this blog post 5 months ago. I just moved to Los Angeles and lived in my apartment in Hollywood. At that time I already knew that I’ve made huge steps on my journey but I didn’t know that there would be much more coming my way.
So here I am again, it’s March 2020, and I finally feel ready to write this down.
I will share all the details with you, but this one is dedicated to tell you more about my early stages when I started my business. One “side effect” was obviously moving back in with my mom 🙂
Since I started my entrepreneurial journey there’ve been many setbacks and moving back in with my mom in my early thirties was one of them. At least it was what I thought at the first moment when I realized there’s no other way for me.
Being out on this open road after over a decade in the corporate world was scary but the feeling that there is MORE was stronger than my fears. So I went for it anyway. When I made this decision I also committed to every setback this journey might include knowing it will make me even stronger when I take the next step forward.
I’ve invested a lot into myself to become a coach, create positive change, improve, grow… there’s no question about that I learned a lot when I entered this path. But at some point I bought into the solution still hoping they would save me and provide what I was longing for.
Again I fell into the trap that the outside will fix it for me.
Here I was again, what looked so perfect on the outside and people thought I manage easily is that between dreams and success there is lots of hard work, sleepless nights, tears, sweat, guts, and dedication.
I realized there’s a blind spot, something I don’t want to face. Since being in the “personal development industry” I know how hard it can be to take the inward look. I wasn’t willing to learn the lesson on my own so it seemed like the universe found it’s own way to teach me.
So there I was, I ran out of money, still had to pay back debt, my whole world was built around the fact that I have to make money. I acted from a place of lack until I had to surrender.
Anyway I tried to keep the perfect facade alive. Only a few people knew that I’m gonna move back into my mom’s basement, to sleep on a coach in a room with only a tiny window.
It felt like the universe was telling, let’s do some shadow work and face your dark side.
Why do I share this with you? The more I speak about it, the easier all of it gets. Because let’s be honest. We live in a world where we all mask up. We became so good at it. But it’s soooo exhausting.
I became tired of it, my body became tired of it. I just couldn’t handle it anymore.
So this moment became a blessing in disguise.
Not only myself, but everyone else who can relate and it creates space for others to believe that they can be okay with their story.
Lying there in this room made me realize how my life was only focused on pleasing people (instead of myself, still) and wearing a mask so no one will find out who I truly am.
In my last blog post I said “who do I have to become to live the life I’m dreaming of?”
The answer is ME, myself and I.
This is enough. This doesn’t need a label, a definition or any further explanation. I do me.
And who am I not supposed to be anymore? The personality I presented to the outside world for so long, too long.
Moving back in with my mom gave me the opportunity to wash clean my face. Or at least, the first layers of it. Washing off a mask I was wearing for 30 years might take a bit of time.
I mentioned before there’s more to come, so keep reading and follow my journey in the following blog post.
But to finish this chapter up:
In October 2018 I sold all I had. I felt ashamed. “I FAILED AT LIFE”, was the story I told myself.
Being in this dark and chilly room in my mom’s basement with just a small window that allowed only a bit of light was the perfect reflection of my inner mood.
I was sleeping on a not so comfy couch and had a desk at the end of the couch where I spent days finding the answer to get out of my misery.
My ego said “this is such a poor moment in my life” while my intuition whispered that this will be a game changer on my life journey.
A few weeks needed to pass by until I learned one of my greatest life lessons.
To experience the feeling of having less than I used to, from WANTING IT ALL to becoming a MINIMALIST and getting rid of everything was like an inner cleansing of all the burden I was carrying with me for such a long time.
I got a chance to come clean in so many aspects of my life. The two biggest ones…
I’ve always had a great bond with my mom, anyway I have difficulties to express my love to her. I made her cry very often because of this distant and sometimes cold side of me (to those who know me and can hardly imagine this side of me, yes I have this very cold characteristic inside of me).
Not because my love for her faded, I just tried to protect myself from the demons, my mom, herself had to conquer.
Growing up without a dad changed the roles in our family substantially. Me being the lucky one growing up and learning two languages put me into a kind of leading role helping my family out whenever there was a language barrier because we migrated from Poland to Germany in 1990.
So my mom had to learn a new language in her early thirties. Being a kid, I was already confronted with taking over lots of responsibility, feeling like the mom of my mom.
For a very long time in my life, I felt responsible for everything that happened in our family, I thought I am the one who has to save them (I still do). At the same time I often felt like there’s no one having my back. I became very independent and managed everything in my life on my own.
This is how I became the survivor. Giving up was never an option. It was also the time when the desire for MORE started to take over my inner being and I became a big dreamer.
Living with my mom again confronted me with my past. One I always tried to forget, deny and if not asked, I never spoke about. I got a chance to let go of it, the stones I was carrying for all of us. Although it hurts, I had to realize that I cannot save my family. They have to conquer their own demons, and I have mine.
When I moved back into my own apartment 6 months later I was in peace with my family.
The second lesson I learned for me was overcoming the attachment to materialistic things. We’ve never been a wealthy family or privileged. Anyway, I was always surrounded by those who have “more”, at least on the outside.
Being born into a kind of broken household with lots of trauma, no one ever taught me how to love myself, I’ve never seen any value in me as a human being. Abused in a young age, it was only a question of time until I started to define myself through the outside world and my performance on the outside, instead of seeing my light as a human being.
What I HAVE and DO became who I AM.
Suddenly, there was nothing left. I sold it all. It was just me.
I had to ask myself: Who am I when I have nothing?
How to answer this question when there is nothing left on the outside and this has always been my way of defining who I am.
Having “nothing” left pushed me to take a look INSIDE.
What I found was WHO I TRULY AM.
I found freedom. Love. Joy. Ease. Happiness. An abundant amount of all of it. I noticed that I’m happier than ever with less than I’ve ever had.
Everything that I was learning the past months in becoming a coach, all experiences I’ve been through, led to doing the inner work to find in life what all of us are looking for. We all get blinded by the outside world, there’s one trap after another. That’s the reason why becoming more conscious of what’s going on subconsciously is so essential to a happier you.
I learned that the beauty of life itself became my ultimate energy resource – the simple fact that I am alive, healthy with endless opportunities on this planet made me happier than anything else.
Being so focused on the material and physical world, I finally became free from all of it. I lost the attachment to define myself through what surrounded me. We as we are, are enough, worthy, all of it.
Keeping it simple and minimalistic became my new guiding principles. It doesn’t mean I don’t like “luxury” or materialistic things, but I don’t need to own it anymore. Knowing that I have access to all of it became more than enough.
My obstacles became opportunities. My mess became my message and probably the most beautiful story.
Losing it all was the greatest gift to let go of the story I was telling myself. It was a great reminder of what life truly is about and WHY I started this new chapter to live my best life.
Once I realized this fact, my life started to bloom and in less than 12 months after the day I moved in with my mom in my early thirties, I sold all I had again, to move to Los Angeles and realize my dream.
It was the path to the great unknown that made me learn and grow the most. It still does because “The only way to become free in an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of #rebellion”.
I needed this revolutionary act to break free from all old stories and patterns that were running my world and pity story.